Page/Princess of Cups

45/78, 33 cards to go!

As I use these cards, I start to forget whether I am studying the tarot or myself. It’s like the elements that make up who I am–my history, my innermost thoughts, every experience and emotion, joy or difficulty–are synonymous with the deck I hold in my hands. As if the deck is my body and everything held within it. When I am examining these cards, my reflection looks back at me. The tarot; a multi-dimensional mirror.

When I look at the Page/Princess of Cups, I see all my romantic notions. The sunflowers I almost bought yesterday. The love letters that seagulls write in the sand in that strange script of little birds’ feet. I love the whimsical and comic quality of this card. The way the Page and the fish stare at each other. The Page with a hand on his hip as if to say, “hey little guy, whatcha doing in there?” I even love the outfit that the Page is wearing, covered in open lotus blossoms. S/he’s so open and receptive to love.

Fish are a symbol for dreams, inspiration. The Page of Cups is teaming with creative energy. The fish is his proverbial lightbulb. Unexpected inspiration, bizarre creative impulses. What’s romance if not the purest form of creativity? True romance is just as spontaneous. Inspiration that seizes you so suddenly you don’t think of denying it. And what artist, musician, writer, wouldn’t describe their craft as a love affair?

An old friend of mine sent me a poem yesterday. It came out of nowhere. There was no message. Just the poem. It was, in fact, a poem that I had written a long time ago. Something that, for some reason, he saved. It’s funny, though. The poem describes a feeling that I still have, somewhat associated with the Page of Cups.

I called the poem “The Ocean Doesn’t Want Me,” after the Tom Waits song. It’s something I wrote in high school.

Here’s are some brief excerpts:

the water kissed the sand and ran
away from me: it never showed me any affection.

. . .
One day the seagulls left behind a treasure box on the shore,
but when I opened it up
there was nothing but rusted silver
and broken chains.
A tiara lay in pieces,
and coins crumbled at my touch.
They fell into the sand, and became pebbles.
I said I had never wanted a treasure anyway,
and threw it into the ocean.

The next day I came again to collect seashells,
but they sprouted legs

and walked away from me.
So I said the ocean could have them,
and made a sandcastle for myself instead.

But then
the ocean came up and took it away.

. . .

Pieces of the ocean stung my eyes
and filled them

with images of mermaids
and coral halls

that I could never hold my breath long enough to find,
because the ocean wouldn’t take me.

I still feel this way sometimes. Anything I am attracted to is intangible. Seashells walk away from me. Jewels crumble in my hands. The ocean doesn’t love me. I had a very romantic boyfriend in high school, but our relationship was cut short. That’s when I wrote this poem.
I daydream about love letters, hearing the words “i want to draw you,” an evening to dress up for, receiving a bouquet of flowers after a night of lovemaking. My daydreams are melancholy, tinged with disappointment, because I can’t even get within reach of these experiences, it seems.

I don’t mean to say that my husband isn’t romantic; we don’t have that kind of relationship. Besides, it’s not just about romance necessarily. This card talks about love and inspiration. The cup, the lotus blossom, the fish. I feel like anything I truly want is intangible or unattainable. If I move toward my heart’s desire, it’s like doors slam shut in front of me.

This has been especially true lately in trying to find a second job. I keep coming across things that look perfect. Writing, baking, a creative environment. Something fulfilling that will enable my personal growth while providing monetary satisfaction. Now, I’m just waiting. I haven’t even received the courtesy of a flat out rejection. It’s all maybes and “check back in a month or so.”

Although, I do think that the Page of Cups might be related to work, I know it’s essentially about my relationship. There’s a lot of sensitivity in this card, lots of emotions. Whether it’s my hunt for the Perfect Job or my desire for the Romantic Relationship, I tend to get extremely emotionally attached. A bit clingy.
The Page of Cups seldom comes up for me, but I have been waiting for this card. I suspected it would be indicative of the start of a romantic era in my life. So much for that.

“Desperately wanting security and permanence, she clings tightly to her man and can be quite jealous and possessive.” I think in my case, I could probably use “ideal job” and “man” interchangeably. Although, in this case, I admit, it’s more relevant to my marriage, because I do get jealous.

I have never been jealous in previous relationships, but with Fab, I am have these horrible swirling thoughts and fears. It’s affected our relationship. He can’t share things with me if I have a panic attack every time a former girlfriend is casually mentioned. It was hard to talk to him about this, because I didn’t know how without seeming as if I was dismissing meaningful experiences or relationships he’s had in the past.

We did finally talk about it, though. I’m not sure what happened. I really do feel okay with things now. I just know that my desire to have a deep relationship with him, in which he can share things with me without worrying about my reaction, is more important than any irrational worries I might have.

I haven’t spoken too much about the Page of Cups itself, but unlike the Queen, this card seems to deal with less mature emotions. For me, it brought up all kinds of insecurities that, if held onto any longer, could prevent my relationship from evolving and growing. If I cling to my fears and worries, there could never be a possibility for something more, because I wouldn’t be open to it.

I didn’t realize how attached I had been to these fears and worries until bringing them out into the open. I already knew how irrational those insecurities were, but it wasn’t until honestly examining and admitting to those feelings that I could see how they limit me and my relationship and even work.

The universe is enormous, as I was reminded recently. It has an endless supply of love and inspiration.

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